BEING DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER - RAW TRAUMA NOTES

Being Diagnosed

Went in for an unrelated PTSD triggered back injury

The excellent medical expertise of the doctors took no chances after I described my symptoms and immediately referred me to Dr Utharn who I literally saw 5 minutes later.

He was incredibly thorough and after a physical examination, he told me that he was very sorry but he thought I might have late stage colon cancer.

I was beyond shocked. I had the back injury for almost 10 years.  I honestly thought at the worst I would be given was maybe an injection in my back and course of physiotherapy.

From thinking I would be given a course of physiotherapy to finding out that I may possibly have late stage cancer with a tumor that was over 10cm!!!

In an instant my world turned upside down. I was so shocked. I broke down in tears. I had to go outside immediately and have a cigarette despite it may have been the cause of my cancer.

Called my dad, Dr Utharn spoke to my father. I was in tears.

Remember coming home in a daze.

Telling Vincent that I might have cancer.

Crying into my pillow uncontrollably.  Feeling alone because I was, and have been for almost 10 years.

I can't believe the 180 and how it happened but I have lived a hikikomori life for almost ten years.

Only just coming to terms with living for the future. And, moving past the trauma of the tsunami and aftermath nightmare of NHS trauma back home in London and then to get fucking cancer. You cunt.

For three or four days I would go through episodes of crying and then it just stopped.

For the first couple of days I couldn't sleep, my mind was a minefield. I had so many Cancer related test and scans with in the first 48 hours.

I think it was the third or fourth day. Went into hospital after 2 or 3 nights of no sleep.  As soon as I walked into the hospitals the nurses immediately took action. They were very concerned about me. I was sleep deprived, struggling to control my PTSD symptoms and flashbacks of trauma. And, had just found out I likely had late-stage cancer. I had no real support, no family or close friends, it was peak Covid. The feeling of fear and isolation was overwhelming.

I was so shocked, by the attentiveness and the level of care and compassion.

After the nightmare experience, I had with West London NHS. where for 6 years there is a detailed history of gross medical negligence, where I was consistently belittled by doctors regarding my experience during the 24 hours of search and rescue during the tsunami.  Consistently deprived the most basic assessment for PTSD. Where the level of medical negligence I endured from West London NHS doctors bordered on criminality and literally drove me to suicide.

Dr Lane FME of Fulham Police station and GP of West London NHS - “PTSD? Anyone can google buzzwords! The tsunami was a long time ago, I’m sure a lot of people had it worse than you!”

Then to feel the incredible warmth, empathy and activeness of the Chiang Mai Ram nurses and doctors, I was totally shocked. I had never experienced anything like it.

I was immediately put on a stretcher, given medication to calm myself.  I never felt alone. Not one nurse or doctor belittled my emotional breakdown. They were so caring, I was terrified and so drained physically and emotionally.  The care I received that morning saved me even before the cancer treatment started.

I couldn’t believe the level of empathy and warmth I felt when I was in such mentally fragile state. In London doctors didn’t even believe I was caught in the tsunami. Let alone believe the level of involvement I had in the search and rescue on the island and the trauma of what happened at Krabi and Bangkok hospitals.  Not one doctor or nurse at Chiang Mai Ram ever belittle the trauma of the tsunami. They all knew how bad Koh Phi Phi island was hit and how we had no help for 24 hours. They had tears in their eyes when I recounted what happened. How I literally had to check dead bodies while searching for my friends. That shit is not normal.

It was that morning whilst being cared for by the nurses, that I felt that I might not have to fight Cancer and PTSD alone at Chiang Mai Ram Hospital. All the doctors and nurses understood the impact of the trauma of the tsunami and how it exacerbated the sleep deprivation, compounded the isolation and the fear of finding out I had cancer. There was always someone looking out for me.

-      Wasn't psychiatric expertise - just Thai compassion and empathy

-      Despite the language barrier nurses and doctors took more time to listen and try to understand me

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‍Written years ago. I honestly can't even remember writing this. My life was in free fall, multiple serious Cancer treatment complications during Covid. Found this today. Was hard to read.